I know, but saying that to a black person is pretty stereotypical.
Personally I think having a problem with him saying a black person would mug someone when you wouldn't have a problem with him saying any other person mugged someone is even worse. Any form of treating one race different than you treat others is just as bad as racism in my view.
But DMC was terribly out of character. If you're going to do this you need to either get the characters to act properly or don't use characters who you don't know their personalities well. DMC doesn't act anything like you made him act in the story.
Re: CC by Locomotive (( Reply #21: January 14th, 2010, 5:28 AM ))
Quote:
I barreled down the sidewalk, strewn with the decrepit filth this godless city harboured,
trying hard enough? You need to find a balance between good description and too much description. stories should describe things well enough for the reader to get a clear image in their heads, but also should not have so many adjectives and adverbs that they are painful to read.
Quote:
My pursuer was tall, ashen haired, whether that was from filth or natural was of little importance, all I cared about were the steadily gaining footsteps behind me.
Periods exist. You're fine with the first two commas, the third one is too much. It should be "My pursuer was tall, ashen haired, whether that was from filth or natural was of little importance. All I cared about was the steadily gaining footsteps behind me."
Quote:
darted over a parked car, charged my way through a putrid hot-dog stand, I tried to shout, but whatever I was trying to articulate was replaced by panicked yarbles. I charged into an alley as the pursuer shouted my name, a sign of our mutual desperation. I stopped, tired and broken, a red brick alley, soon to be my own personal hellhole.
I thought the comma thing was just a one-time mistake, but it seems to be a deeper problem in your writing style, you really need to fix this, it's getting annoying. The second sentence ("I charged into...") is fine, but the other two need to be fixed. I won't mention any more errors like this that I see in the future since I've talked about it enough.
Quote:
"Please, mug me beat me just...just..." I was at a lack of words as my grey eyed captor turned me to face him. My time was up. "Occorru!" He shouted. I stared at him, now both piss pants scared and confused. How could he know my handle!? He panted heavily, his frat party breath assaulting my nose with relentless ferocity. "Stop fucking running, I'm DMC!" This had just got interesting.
This I like. It's well done, and "his frat party breath assaulting my nose with relentless ferocity" is an excellent description. The only thing I don't like about it is the last sentence. It is so cliched and boring that it seems out of place.
Quote:
I yelled with a outrageous level of ferocity
You used ferocity earlier, try not to use the same descriptive words more than once as it gets taxing and detracts from the story.
Quote:
The place was barren, each unadorned surface caked with a fine layer of dust. The only features of note was the ratty lawnchair where DMC now lounged, and a shabby oak wardrobe.
"The only features of note was" should be "were". Other than that, A++, I liked that description.
Quote:
He was swiss cheesed with a M16, left more bullet than man."
You missed the " at the beginning here, don't forget those as they get confusing. I spent a few seconds trying to figure out what the hell you were saying with "He was swiss cheesed with a M16" until I realized it was dialogue. Also, it should be an M16, not a M16.
Quote:
Marvalo got run down with a car, he's okay, just a little shooken up.
Bad OOC once again, this is the most annoying thing. DMC is out of character and now Marvalo is out of character as well.
Quote:
Somebody's gunning for CC members, and we're next."
Is this the Watchmen?
Paragraphs are also bad. Put lines between paragraphs and make paragraph breaks more often, it looks very sloppy and chaotic. How a story is organized separates the bad writers from the good writers at first glance.
Other than that it was good. You have some writing talent and in areas where you don't make simple mistakes it's enjoyable to read. You're good with descriptions, just try not to overdo it like you did in the first sentence. So your writing skills, aside from fixing your grammar and organization, aren't really what you need to focus on improving. The worst thing right now is the OOC characters (and the plot also sounds like a retarded Watchmen ripoff so far). Fix those or it doesn't matter how well you write, the story is fucked.
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